I used my spam email account to sign-up for weekly updates from BabyCenter.com. At the beginning, it was kind of cool, because week-by-week it would tell me when Gully was growing ear bones or ovaries, and when she would be the size of a pea, then a plum, then an eggplant. But then last week, the email notification suggested that I start working on a “birth plan.”

Do I have to? I was dragging my feet about signing up for a birthing class until my Ob sort of laughed at me and said that I should just do it, if not for me, at least for Joe. I’ve been called to enough deliveries where I am holding my little blue towel under the infant resuscitation warmer for what feels like an eternity as the mom gives these tiny little ridiculous faux-pushes and the perinatologist wanders by to shake her head at the fetal heart tracing…well, I’ve been to enough deliveries to kind of know what’s expected, but I guess Joe hasn’t. And I guess I should know what to expect from the patient-end of things. So I signed us up for one through this company that has a monopoly on birthing classes in the Boston area, Isis Maternity. The woman I had to register through tried to convince me to take an extended course on “natural birth” rather than the regular birthing class. She also started lecturing me on the rate of c-sections and whether or not I had selected a doula. I almost wanted to tell her, “girlfriend, I hain’t yet started cuttin’ back on my crack and tobaccy!”

So the other thing I am reminded of is that April is apparently Caesarian Awareness Month. There are women out there frantic over the high rates of c-sections in the U.S. (it hovers around 32%, as opposed to the WHO recommended rate of 10-15%) and who are also frantic over a woman’s “right” to VBAC (vaginal birth after c-section), the rate of which is apparently very low. While I am all very much in favor of vaginal deliveries (there is no doubt about it that a c-section is truly massive abdominal surgery, and taking care of a newborn after major surgery is kind of sucky), I also have to say that the rate of c-sections will not drop unless women stop demanding a less-than-perfect newborn outcome. Of the 9 most common reasons cited for obstetric malpractice suits, 6 are for not performing a c-section or not performing a c-section fast enough because of a concerning outcome with the neonate. And who wants a less-than-perfect baby because you wanted a perfect natural birth delivery? The malpractice argument is all very nicely laid out in this opinioned post, which I entirely agree with.

As for my “birthing plan,” I plan on Gully staying up in there until it’s go-time in a few months, then magically transferring the pregnancy into Joe, and he will then somehow give birth. No, but seriously, I just want everyone to get along and communicate well. It’s going to be some freshly minted first year ob/gyn resident (July is newbie season) who’s going to be poking around my hoo-ha, and some first year anesthesiology resident with an intention tremor who’s going to eventually place my epidural, so I want them to be very carefully monitored by their attendings. I also want our family to be extra-nice to the nurses so they don’t talk smack about the probable circus that will occur in our labor suite. Communication, folks, lots and lots of it!