Okay, so apparently pregnancy symptoms can get worse. These last few weeks of pregnancy, I feel more like an old man. Perhaps this is exacerbated by the fact that I am spending my off-time around the house waddling around in an old gray tank top (i.e. wife-beater style) that only covers half my gut, an old pair of Joe’s boxers and compression stockings, and half the time, I have water stains or crumbs sitting on my belly from meals that occurred hours before (I didn’t say a “distinguished” old man, more like a slovenly, crazy old man). However, this is the most comfortable state of being when it’s 90 degrees outside and the air conditioning in our apartment is broken. Also, this child is sitting so low in my pelvis now that when I sit down, she cuts off circulation to my legs, leaving them tingling and numb. And for some reason my coccyx is very bruised. And the sciatica, oh, the sciatica - like someone stabbing you in the back and having the pain shoot down your hamstrings into your feet. You know how they have those signs on the bus that you should offer your seat to old or handicapped people if they board? I have been tempted to ask people to let me sit down on the ride home from work (people are too damn rude in Boston), but my asinine pride gets in the way. And if I sit down, I have to think twice about it - are there places I can grip with my hands to pull myself up once I’m down? This is something I remember from my one day doing a geriatric home visit in medical school.

I had one, single, lone contraction for about 20 seconds (these things never pan out to true labor for me) while presenting a patient to the neurology attending yesterday, and I guess the pained expression on my face made the whole neonatal neuro staff kind of flip out. Also, when I say good-bye to the staff at the end of the day, they’re all like, “I hope I don’t see you again,” in the nicest way possible. Two weeks into my new job, I could take this to mean “I hope you deliver soon and don’t have to be here,” or “we hate you, you’re the dumbest fellow we’ve had in a long time so don’t come back.”

I should try to focus on the positive, I know, I really should. The one cool development is that this kid is very strong and active. I’ll be sitting there in conference, and suddenly my abdomen is lurching around with her kicks and wiggles, and the whole baby bump has swung to the left, then to the right, then to the left again, and I’m listing off my chair because she really wants to hang a left for some reason. Gully, don’t you know it’s really hard to make a left hand turn out of my womb? The exit is downwards. And once you exit, I promise, there’s TV and candy and toys on the outside, oh yes: it’s much, much more fun.